Alien invasion defeated by ‘heroic’ grandpa
We’ve all heard madcap stories of wacky characters who reside in solitute where nobody can get to them. Usually they reside in horror movies, but this story is a heart-warming tale of a man so attached to his planet that he shooed off an entire alien fleet single handedly.
Hector Earl Beligerence resides in a log cabin in Dellamere Forest having moved to the UK from America just three years ago, but will now have to make the big transition from zero to hero when he receives a knighthood from the Queen next week for bravery. He’ll also receive a host of other awards from other countries including America, Russia and Botswana.
‘I was outside my little hut,’ said Belligerence, 88, ‘when I saw this bright light come down. I shouted to Ma to get the gun, but she’s dead and buried in Tennessee so I had to get it myself. When I came back there was [sic] hundreds of lights all hummin’ and stuff, and I says ‘get the hell off my land’, but they ain’t listenin’! Then some little bastard with a big head comes and tries to zap me with some weird gun, so I shot him in the face. Then some others come and they use some weird electrical thing to tell me something about ‘coming in peace’, so’s I shoot their little device and then shoot them to get ‘em off my land! By this time, there’s hundreds of like flying crafts over my house, and these little f**kers are everywhere! So’s I says ‘alright, I’ll talk but you gotta bring me your leader’, and they do, and I shot him in the…well I guess you could say it was his chest but it had like nostrils on. I tell them I ain’t takin’ any more sh*t off them, and they left just like that. So’s I went to the liquor store, picked me up a bottle of Jack D and went back to go to bed.’
Heroically, it appears that Hector has saved us all. Some call his American ways ‘crazy’, and condemn his actions as ‘excessive’ and ‘drunken’. Others raised questions over the legality of Mr. Beligerence owning a gun in this country, but all these questions mean nothing when there’s a hero involved.
When asked further questions, Mr. Beligerence told the Imbecile Distillery to ‘f*ck off’ and used his whisky bottle as a missle against us.
Mr. Beligerence is up for the knighting ceremony next week, and will not be taking questions at this time.
