The Imbecile Distillery

I thought I’d try my hand at a film review, so here we go.

This is a film about a film crew who get stuck on a Welsh island with some vicious bastard aliens. The massacre that ensues is nothing short of brilliant, but strange. Here are a few choice facts about life that ‘Evil Aliens’ has taught me. By the way, this contains spoilers if you actually want to watch the film. I suggest you do.

This bitch needed to die earlier

 Oddly, this young stripper-cum-actress is handy with a shotgun and she’s very proficient at screaming. Also, she killed the Welsh psychopath with her rotten crotch, so she needed to die right at the start.

An alien can rip a humans arms off without difficulty, and make a human give birth in a matter of seconds

According to this film, an alien can just grab your arm and pull slightly, and it will just come off as though it were attached by blu-tack. Naturally this is a power that a beast from outer space would have to possess, so I think I’m going to let Mr. West off on this one. It’s cool, it’s fucking funny, and the guy it happens to deserves it so much it makes me all giggly in the stomach. This scene is preceded by one of the alien queen (who, by the way, has sex with the nerd) ripping the legs off the demented hot chick and then stamping on her belly to send the little alien baby on its way. Niiice. Many thumbs up there.

A small laptop can somehow reverse lay energy and cause stones to smash up a spaceship

This is one that isn’t going to get off quite so easily. We learn through the course of the film that ‘Gavin’, an alien nerd, can use a computer with some ridiculous GUI to monitor lay line energy. Fair enough as it’s kind of integral to the plot. But he then proceeds to reverse this lay energy and use it to shoot about nine eight-foot stones through an alien spaceship. What?! How…how…oh right, he has some little boxes with LEDs on. That’s how. To be honest, I enjoy the film because of the gore, not the plot, so this hardly ruined the film, but oh my God what were they thinking? Even as a B-movie this idea sucks! It made me laugh though, through sheer idiocy.

Bitch-slapping a nerd with someone’s spine is really rather funny!

This is perfectly self explanatory. I nearly crapped myself laughing when an alien tore the strippers head off and bitch-slapped the nerd with it. Funniest thing ever.

Aliens find it entirely necessary to strip female humans in an entirely gratuitous manner

I’m not joking about this one. At one point, an alien honks the blonde girl’s tit and tears off her top. Mr. West, you pervert! She’ll catch a chill! Needless to say this is a highlight of the film because it truly makes it a ridiculous spoof. Only in these sorts of films do you see girls in bras with shotguns blowing ten kinds of shit out of an alien’s face. Quality stuff.

The Welsh can’t talk, co-ordinate themselves or use modern weaponry; instead they must rely upon bows and arrows and screaming and grunting.

The portrayal of stereotypes in this film is the number one reason to buy it (apart from the gore, and the violence, and the scene with the combine harvester). The Welsh, especially. They can’t speak English, and spit and mock when they’re mentioned, they have literally a billion guns in their house but favour bows and arrows, and when roughly fucked in haystacks they are susceptible to alien rape afterwards. Naturally, this being an English film, the Welsh are all murdered within thirty seconds except the most incoherent, who exists purely to save the life of the idiot blonde who goes around fucking everything up. Then she shags him in a haystack and he’s killed. Serves him right for not plugging her at point blank when he should have.

A gay man will use no fewer than one hundred homosexual cliches per sentence

Another stereotype that makes me laugh is the gay man who makes it all of ten minutes when things get a little nasty. He runs minces around, screaming ‘oh no honey’ and wears a silver jumpsuit as part of his reconstruction of the alien rape. He claims he’s a ‘character actor, not a hero’, and wears a dress at the start of the film. Oh, and naturally he’s bummed to death with a twelve foot crucifix. Good work there, Mr. West.

A nerd can fly an alien spaceship by manipulating a slimy brain after no practice at all.

Okay, this is one of the sillier parts. He just sits down, stares, and instantly he knows what to do. No cool bits where he fails, no crashing until the very end…dumbarse. This amused me as a part that failed to make any sense.

Before you query the fact that I’m critiquing what is essentially the most tongue-in-cheek film ever made, I obviously never thought ‘yes, this is a serious film’ when I first bought it two years ago. Having re-watched it, I can fully recommend it for the drunk nights in.