The Imbecile Distillery

Nicholas Sarkozy, French president, has authorised military action against British interests in response to the ‘wild and unprovoked’ publishing of a weblog by British student, Ben Plant. Horst Koehler, German president, said his forces were on stand-by for action if the weblog showed any continued and ’serious’ action.

Rumour has it that the student in question will frequently update the blog with information that nobody wants to read, a move that UN secretary-general Ban Ki-moon is calling ‘dangerous and foolhardy’. In interview, he declared he would have ‘no qualms’ against ‘a full co-ordinated attack should this situation escalate’, further adding that it was in the interest of the UN itself to keep this ‘maniac [who] will destroy democracy itself’ under control.

We tried to  catch a word with the perpetrator himself, awaiting his departure from his Liverpool residence last Friday afternoon. He refused to comment and was ushered into a waiting Maybach by a team of armed security guards who pushed us and other press teams away. His personal assistant, Candi Luscious, gave the following public statement.

‘On behalf of Mr. Plant and his interests, we have no comment to make about the wild rumours of a blog starting in his name. Needless to say he is concerned about the level of press that this story is recieving and is endeavouring to get to the bottom of the matter.’

Miss Luscious refused to comment further and was herself ushered into a second car.

We followed the motorcade to see if we could get any further comment, but the police escort defeated our efforts with gunfire and rocket-propelled grenades. We have heard that one plucky correspondant for the Daily Mail, who was at the time engaged in an undercover story about penetrating the police force, was pursued and harrassed for upwards of half an hour by a helicopter gunship until he left the motorcade and ditched his motorcycle in a lay-by. He was pursued by Benjamin’s personal security forces until he was arrested and detained.

An eye-witness and close friend of Benjamin stated that it was Benjamin’s strict intent to ‘contravene the EULA for iTunes and use it to manufacture biological and nuclear weapons’. Such wreckless action provoked a horrified response from the EU, but drew no comment from Gordon Brown, British prime minister.

We will update you further as and when new information comes in, but for now it seems that Benjamin’s extraordinary influence over British politics means that this one man who Russian president, Dmitriy Anatolyevich Medvedev, calls a ‘wild maniac’ will continue to wreak havoc across the EU.