Alien invasion defeated by ‘heroic’ grandpa
We’ve all heard madcap stories of wacky characters who reside in solitute where nobody can get to them. Usually they reside in horror movies, but this story is a heart-warming tale of a man so attached to his planet that he shooed off an entire alien fleet single handedly.
Hector Earl Beligerence resides in a log cabin in Dellamere Forest having moved to the UK from America just three years ago, but will now have to make the big transition from zero to hero when he receives a knighthood from the Queen next week for bravery. He’ll also receive a host of other awards from other countries including America, Russia and Botswana.
‘I was outside my little hut,’ said Belligerence, 88, ‘when I saw this bright light come down. I shouted to Ma to get the gun, but she’s dead and buried in Tennessee so I had to get it myself. When I came back there was [sic] hundreds of lights all hummin’ and stuff, and I says ‘get the hell off my land’, but they ain’t listenin’! Then some little bastard with a big head comes and tries to zap me with some weird gun, so I shot him in the face. Then some others come and they use some weird electrical thing to tell me something about ‘coming in peace’, so’s I shoot their little device and then shoot them to get ‘em off my land! By this time, there’s hundreds of like flying crafts over my house, and these little f**kers are everywhere! So’s I says ‘alright, I’ll talk but you gotta bring me your leader’, and they do, and I shot him in the…well I guess you could say it was his chest but it had like nostrils on. I tell them I ain’t takin’ any more sh*t off them, and they left just like that. So’s I went to the liquor store, picked me up a bottle of Jack D and went back to go to bed.’
Heroically, it appears that Hector has saved us all. Some call his American ways ‘crazy’, and condemn his actions as ‘excessive’ and ‘drunken’. Others raised questions over the legality of Mr. Beligerence owning a gun in this country, but all these questions mean nothing when there’s a hero involved.
When asked further questions, Mr. Beligerence told the Imbecile Distillery to ‘f*ck off’ and used his whisky bottle as a missle against us.
Mr. Beligerence is up for the knighting ceremony next week, and will not be taking questions at this time.
Gordon Brown ‘angered’ by ‘inconsiderate’ monster rampage through London
Scientists are today drinking whisky in the pub after a tough press conference regarding a monster rampage along the Thames. The monster, said to resemble a mix between an armaments factory and famous childrens TV creation, Kermit the Frog, destroyed buildings, befouled the Thames, disrupted the tourist boat service and caused millions of pounds worth of damage to the iconic landmark of Tower Bridge after becoming entangled in the construction during a conclusion that some onlookers called ‘breathtaking’.
‘He tripped, and fell into the cables, and his rotating knives got stuck, then he tried to blast his way out and got all…stuck and he’s f***ed, man, he’s going to be killed! Take that you sh*t!’ said Gustav Principle, a high-ranking scientist for the government clean-up operation named ‘Operation Henson’.
Some called the monsters demise ’plagiarism’, and Tristar are now attempting to take the hundred-foot-tall monster to court over ‘copyright infringement’ in relation to the finale of its 1998 movie, ‘Godzilla’. Some lawyers have observed that the violent death of the beast could be a hinderance to the case and, coupled with the beast’s distinct lack of knowledge regarding late 90’s cinema, believe that the case is ‘open-shut’. A spokesman for TriStar told the Imbecile Distillery ‘please just bugger off’.
Gordon Brown was otherwise unavailable for comment, but has declared through a press release that he found the monster to be ‘highly inconsiderate’ and possibly ‘drunk’. He cited figures from youth drinking statistics and decreed that, coupled with the monsters approximate age, the beast qualifies for an ASBO. He believes this will stop the beast from reoffending, and hopes its transition back into society will be ‘clean and without incident’.
By stark comparison he declared that 14-year-old Tyler Watson was to be ‘medically examined’ and his whereabouts would be ’strictly confidential’ after he committed arson at a local bus-stop. Gordon Brown then said that the damage the young boy had caused was ‘catastrophic’, and that there was no penalty harsh enough for his crime.
A spokesman for Downing Street said that Gordon Brown had ‘mixed up his autocues’.
France initiates military action as ‘wild maniac’ Benjamin Plant opens a new blog
Nicholas Sarkozy, French president, has authorised military action against British interests in response to the ‘wild and unprovoked’ publishing of a weblog by British student, Ben Plant. Horst Koehler, German president, said his forces were on stand-by for action if the weblog showed any continued and ’serious’ action.
Rumour has it that the student in question will frequently update the blog with information that nobody wants to read, a move that UN secretary-general Ban Ki-moon is calling ‘dangerous and foolhardy’. In interview, he declared he would have ‘no qualms’ against ‘a full co-ordinated attack should this situation escalate’, further adding that it was in the interest of the UN itself to keep this ‘maniac [who] will destroy democracy itself’ under control.
We tried to catch a word with the perpetrator himself, awaiting his departure from his Liverpool residence last Friday afternoon. He refused to comment and was ushered into a waiting Maybach by a team of armed security guards who pushed us and other press teams away. His personal assistant, Candi Luscious, gave the following public statement.
‘On behalf of Mr. Plant and his interests, we have no comment to make about the wild rumours of a blog starting in his name. Needless to say he is concerned about the level of press that this story is recieving and is endeavouring to get to the bottom of the matter.’
Miss Luscious refused to comment further and was herself ushered into a second car.
We followed the motorcade to see if we could get any further comment, but the police escort defeated our efforts with gunfire and rocket-propelled grenades. We have heard that one plucky correspondant for the Daily Mail, who was at the time engaged in an undercover story about penetrating the police force, was pursued and harrassed for upwards of half an hour by a helicopter gunship until he left the motorcade and ditched his motorcycle in a lay-by. He was pursued by Benjamin’s personal security forces until he was arrested and detained.
An eye-witness and close friend of Benjamin stated that it was Benjamin’s strict intent to ‘contravene the EULA for iTunes and use it to manufacture biological and nuclear weapons’. Such wreckless action provoked a horrified response from the EU, but drew no comment from Gordon Brown, British prime minister.
We will update you further as and when new information comes in, but for now it seems that Benjamin’s extraordinary influence over British politics means that this one man who Russian president, Dmitriy Anatolyevich Medvedev, calls a ‘wild maniac’ will continue to wreak havoc across the EU.
